born

I’m listening to a song ‘Born’ by Over the Rhine on my iPod at work right now and getting internal chills and that flippy stomach feeling. I’m thinking about Ireland, like I do so often. I remember my dear friend Kyle Warner sent me this album while I was talking to him on AIM at my homestay in Dublin. Our group was leaving in a few days for our trip to Northern Ireland. It was when we were at the Corrymeela Reconciliation Center that I fell in love with this song. The soft melodies and sweet voice of the singer echoed the tranquil landscape of the rugged coast and gentle hills. I specifically remember the backdrop of the wicked and sea and sky behind a solitary wooden cross planted in the ground. Even though I am not particularly religious, I knew that that spot had some sort of spiritual essence because it called to me. It asked that I step lightly over the edge and make my escape on path leading to the water below. So I did. All of Ireland still stands out in my mind, but something about that place was so magical, was so right and true in the midst of area so tainted by wrongdoing. But that cross, those hills, that terribly beautiful sea knew none of that. They were all so removed from the human world. And this is what this song reminds me of. It brings me back to a happy place (:

the past due news

So I know I haven't written in a while, but I have been pretty consumed with reading! Completely and utterly devoted to mysteries and thrillers. My mom picked me up 13 Steps Down by Ruth Rendell at used bookstore about a month ago and it was amazing. Very classic characters and simple yet captivating story-line. Now I am reading The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson. Really beautiful and intricate story - about a down and out man who spent his youth surrounded by drugs and his adulthood acting in and directing porn. He gets in a horrible accident and is severely burned, most of the doctors thought beyond repair. Now I haven't finished it yet, barely half way through, but this mysterious and beautiful woman who is certain he and she first met in medieval Germany (which would make them both over 700 years old) enters into the burn ward randomly and soon the romance of legends ensues! I've been trying to develop my novel but have abandoned it recently. I promise myself to commit to it more however. And I am happier at my work now. I am more and more inspired by the owner and president of our company. She recently travelled to Jordan and Saudia Arabia by herself before speaking at the International Jursits Assocation in Austria. As much as I stress out over her alot of the times (for good reason) she truly is amazing. However ironic as it sounds she makes me want to leave work and go back to school even more, work for myself again...well someday soon!

Besides enjoying work more and reading alot and wishing I wrote more and loving where I live and who I live with and being proud of my sister and my parents and looking forward to having new siblings and loving this weather and looking forward to the holidays and missing friends and looking forward to NEW MOON!!!...nothing new to report...write soon (:

evening rant/a little bit o' philosiphy on life.

so i have something to say. actually a few things to say. about life love and happiness.

believe in yourself. no matter what. and don't beat yourself up for distractions or "mistakes" (they never really are, you always get second chances). don't punish yourself for not having a "plan". when do plans ever go to plan anyway? i have come across so many distractions in my life and yes, i have been depressed and let down because of them. but i also never dreamed that i would be in the spot that i am in today. yes i am not pursuing my life long dream of having a ph.d. and teaching at a university, but i am getting closer every single day. and i have a great job when so many people have nothing and a boyfriend and orange kitty and family and friends who love me. i am so so so happy. but for a while i wasn't. for a while i thought that even with all my abilities and dreams i would continually find myself in a rut. and that is just not true. i've learned so many lessons for being so young and i'm a different person because of it. for one thing, i've learned to go out of my way for decent people, not for just the "nice" ones, but for decent people. and for those who treat me like crap, i don't give them the time of day. before i felt that i needed to save them, that beneath that nasty persona there were underlying problems that they were struggling with. look, we all have problems. we all have issues. and somehow alot of people remain decent. it requires some effort, yes, but not too hard. so to those people who are continually rude and generally terrible people, lately i have just been telling myself (pardon my french), "fuck 'em". yep just fuck 'em. don't spend one iota of your time trying to please or change the minds of people like that. rather, spend your life surrounding yourself with the decent ones, and go out of your way for the nice ones. life is too short and you're actually doing them a favor in the long run.

well, whoever you are who is reading this, you're probably wondering where this is coming from. just took a nice brisk walk and that always gets my mind running. i try to take one every night because, despite the long thought process it creates (see above), it actually clears my mind.

well good night. i'm being entertained by my cat now and smiling at my honey (:

pretty petty

inspired by listening to Tom Petty's "Free Fallin" this morn on the way to work and The Fenian's "Galway Girl" right now on my lunch...

I'm a good girl, she says,
spinning her even feet in
constant, cutting circles
and the way her mouth moved,
almost believable, almost real
a mere distant, green dream
and sharp as the sky above
I'll always love you, she coos
coolly crushing my heart
faded, it remains a blot
a soft, touchable memory

i'm somewhere else

inspired by road trip pictures i was just looking at and being stuck indoors when i want to be somewhere else...

this is the road that takes me
back to start and where
open mind fields wait,
grow golden green and wet
my new life with old joys.

a daring mountain can wake
slumber while shifting trees fight
to keep the peace, all under
a sky so pure it mocks the
saying "heaving on earth".

each path winds me around
endless hot brown fingers spinning
webs of awe and mercy across
the only land that matters,
but never lets us keep.

the weight of all things

So lately I have been diving back in to reading like I had never done before. I am seriously digging mysteries now at this point in my life...maybe after so many years of schooling and non-fiction (both of which I have and always will love) I need a break from too much reality. Whatever the reason is, I can't get enough of it and I am pouring over the suspenseful stories and sping-tingling words like a mad scientist would over a cornicopia of deadly chemicals. Anyways, it just brings me back to when I was younger and I couldnt' get enought of books like goosebumps and that sort...although the books I am reading now have much more literary backing, they still ignite that same excitement and drive to uncover what lies in the next page. I have gone back and forth so many times about writing in my life as well. I have attempted several different "novels" in the past but they always seem to fall short and my attention to detail and connection to the story and characters seems to wane. I would love to pursue it more now, but I keep making excuses, the most prominent one work. But work doesn't really take up that much time. And I can only be so entertained by TV. And besides reading what other real hobbies do I have? So this will be it, writing, a little bit everyday, not necessarily in the pursuit of a novel all the time, but that will be my main goal. Who knows what will happen once I let those creative juices start flowing again? (:

lord of the rings

so me and Eric watched ALL 3 Lord of the Rings movies this weekend. it was a good time. we were going to attempt to do them all on one day but I'm glad we didn't - one on Saturday and two on Sundy. my eyes were already melting out of their sockets. i love that movie so freaking much. i wish i lived in a world like that. everything is about allegiance, respect, and dying with honor. i would want to be an elf...only if i could be with a non-elf man though - you're good looking and everything Orlando Bloom, but a little too feminine for my tastes. anyways, it took me out of reality for practically the whole weekend so i like to think that my usual monday morning grogginess has to do a bit with trying to come back to reality. nonetheless when it comes to fairies, mermaids, elves, unicorns, etc.....i still believe (: